Having not written in a few weeks I was a little worried people would assume I had died, after all this is a blog about having cancer. Sadly for those who enjoy Schadenfreude I seem to be alive and kicking, albeit a little snowed under with weddings and stag dos. It’s great seeing all my friends and I love catching up with people, but it does rather take time away from blogging. I have also had something of a paucity to write about. Many people who read this will have been following the blog for nearly two years since I found out I had an incurable cancer, and must be rather bored of my whining (obviously I don’t whine much as I’m awesome, and modest, don’t forget how good I am at that. Close to the top on the old modesty charts.
Anywho life has changed a lot since I found out. I think I might be a lot wiser, and I certainly value those around me a little more. Sometimes I don’t see people as often as I like, but there are so many of you I think a lot of that it’s tough to get round to it and still work a job. If I haven’t seen you recently, relax, I’m getting to you, you might even be next, what’s the number on your ticket again? :) (I joke I joke).
The one thing I have never mentioned is just how many people there are that care for you, or me. You don’t really know about it, and day to day you don’t even think about it. When I was diagnosed I found out who my friends were, and there were a lot of them. Some people sent me a single message to commiserate, but others wanted to catch up and I was seeing people wall to wall for weeks.
You gather rather a lot of friends in life. Not all of them can be tier one friends, the best of the best. Many are good friends, with a few acquaintances mixed in. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who you stay in touch with. Some people you assume you are going to be in touch with forever drift off, and others who you initially find tough to get on with end up central fixtures of your life. I am lucky to have a number of very good friends, but if I think about the first time I met them, that’s a weird thought. ‘Hi I’m Marcus.’ shake hands maybe? Have a little chat about who you are, where you come from. No indication you would be still in touch many years later, sharing pizza and a laugh, remembering old times. Long term friends through thick and thin (which of those two options is the bad one? Incidentally, I would prefer to be thin, but my cake wedge to be thick, hohum).
Most of my friends come from different walks of life. Almost like a gust of wind picked them up and carried them along with me. Seemingly almost at random. A friend from school here, (Emma) Drama (Michelle) Swimming club (Patrick) College (Victoria/Lizzie/Elena/Ben/Harriet/Emily) a few from each year of uni (Lu/Mike/Sach/Helen/Livvy) some from work (Paul/Patrick/Tobias) and a whole bunch from who knows where (Sam/Rob… must be Freddy right?) (Freddy, must be Patrick obviously) (and then others from other places Matt/Richard/Mark/Maz/Strange/Wooley/Allessi/Tony/Chris and more, a number more. All people I an rely on, call if I have a problem and enjoy talking to when I see them. (Apologies if you have been missed. I would site old age, but I’m only 31. So it must be… um… my cancer affecting my brain.. yeah try and come back angry on that one)
The friend wind (I promise never to call it that again, especially as I have friends who this applies to). Takes whole groups away, never to be seen again, other than a random post on facebook . It also leaves actual friends scattered through your life. Those individuals I now care about and want to see (ignoring family for the moment, goodness that would just be sheer name dropping, I would never do that…)
So what do all these people have in common (other than me, obviously, see above under modest :)). Well I’m not really sure, but they all have different thoughts, feelings, emotions opinions. They are all oceans of consciousness who are completely different to each other in so many ways, and yet somehow across the billions of people in the world have decided that it would be rather nice to be friends, to spend time with each other, to banter, to cry.
It’s frankly astonishing when you think about it. I don’t know why I am conscious, how I came to be me. What happened when I was born to give me this mind, that can think, reason, feel? I don’t know if anyone is remotely the same inside, if they even see things the way I do. All I can see is that humans are just a group of flashing lights of consciousness adrift in a sea of geographic features we sculpt to make sense of them. All the sparks are utterly divorced from each other, unimaginable voids of understanding and consciousness separating us from each other with nothing that could possibly bridge the gap. I mean how could it? We are all so different, and we never really know what anyone else thinks or feels or reasons. You just can’t see into someone’s mind. You only have your own. We may as well be stars far sprung in the immensity of space, with only the distant light of others to mark our way, always apart, trapped in the bone of our own skulls.
And yet, and yet. Somehow it works. Somehow we make connections, somehow we take this thing called consciousness and life and even though it’s different for all of us we make common cause. We fight, talk, love and form connections. We make friends. People who will stay loyal to us through anything, for no reason. No real loyalty, as we never thoughts, but still they would help us, even suffer with us. People who we can rely on even though there is no fundamental reason we should. What’s to stop us all being out for ourselves, what is enjoyment, what is banter? Yet somehow it exists and it works against all probability and that is why I am so pleased to have so many good friends. Even though I might bitch about being busy with weddings, I love catching up with people being privileged enough to share their special days, to see into the innermost parts of them, their relationships and feelings on display.
I can’t really complain about being busy, when it’s this that is taking my time. My own life is so unimaginably unlikely, the creation of me and the genesis of what I am from uncountable factors and coincidences, millions of ancestors who met at just the right time, that to find others in the same place who I enjoy being around, who share a common interest or just like spending time with is extraordinary.
People need people, and I am no exception. I don’t just need people though, I want to have people around, I like to have people around and my life is richer for my multitude of friends, all from different places. I wouldn’t have it any other way. So if that keeps me from blogging as often as I would like, I think it’s a fair price. After all you only get a finite timespan, and with my Lymphoma might be shorter than others. Best to make the most of it, isn’t it?