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Ah, so how to describe this? Should I use a metaphor so people don’t feel uncomfortable? Maybe another stylised piece like the last one? Or should I just tell it straight and let people fill in the details they want? Lets do all three.

They came in the afternoon the day before. It had been planned for a few weeks and the city knew to expect them. The troops came through first, a veritable sachet of body cleanser. They were closely followed by two large generals, circular and pill like, but powerful for all their chubby roundness.

A few hour later another boiling tide swept through the city, by then it was early evening. At first the troops found it difficult to work out the twists and turns of the fortresses inner workings. There were many kinked corridors and the high stonework was difficult to break, with years of detritous shielding it from harm. But even as the strongest iron gut must give in to dysentry, fall they did. The troops began to expel the seditious elements late in the evening. In a watery tide of fury that roused the city, throughout the night they worked until finally the rebel city was quiet, it’s population gone, the long term filth of the streets rinsed away. The violence was surprisingly weak though and the fortress was not discomforted by it knowing it was a think that was needed. It had built up fear of this coup and the reality was less terrible than the dreams of violence which had been conjured.

So basically i took the laxatives and they eventually worked as they should. It took a while though and they didn’t kick in for hours. It wasn’t that bad on the end though and they did their work, even if they did kick in at 11pm after I took them at 2. The effect was far less explosive than i had been led to believe, or worry about. Like all things i suspect i had built it up above the reality of what would happen.

By the morning I wasn’t that hungry. Two lots of miso soup, on the allowed list, and I was ok. I had to limit my diet for two days before and no food from the laxatives to the procedure.

We headed into London and went to the unit at St Barts in Whitechapel. I headed to the endoscopy unit, the unit for exploring inside peoples bodies, like Innerspace if you’ve seen the film. Colonoscopy is, obviously, a viewing that is specifically located in the colon.

We did the traditional sweepstakes about how.long we would have to wait. My appointment was at 1pm and I was seen at…. Drum roll… 1pm. Shock horror. It is worth noting that I hadn’t actually had any blood in my excrement for six weeks, so I was fairly confident it would be ok. The nurse gave me some fairly fetching paper boxer shorts with a long open section at the back. Oh how we laughed. Or not. I also got a horrible cheap dressing gown. I also got a bag for my clothes and was told i should relax. The dressing gown and towel made me feel like I was in a really shit spa…

To be continued…